Category Archives: Mindful Pregnancy

20 Weeks Pregnant: Coping with Insomnia

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20 Weeks Bump

20 Week Bump in one of my only non-frumpy maternity outfits

November 3 – November 9: 20 Weeks 0 Days – 20 Weeks 6 Days.

I don’t know exactly when I popped, but all of a sudden I have a bump!

I may have celebrated my new figure with a mini shopping spree in the H&M maternity section. In other consumerism news, I started making my baby registry/to-buy-list, and I’m gladly accepting suggestions on products I should (or definitely should not) request/buy. Currently I’m going off this newborn checklist (minus a couple items my sister advised me not to bother with) and using BabyList for my registry so I can add items from multiple stores.

Weeks ago, a friend told me that you feel best about halfway through pregnancy, and I’m wholeheartedly enjoying that. Many of the discomforts that I had in the first trimester have faded or disappeared. But, there has been one new issue that has arisen: insomnia.

I had trouble sleeping as a kid; I used to watch the red glowing numbers on my digital alarm clock for hours trying to fall asleep. At some point (maybe when I got into fitness, maybe when I discovered yoga, maybe when I started eating less sugar), that completely turned around and I became the best sleeper ever. I could easily fall asleep within a couple minutes; I could usually drop into an afternoon nap, even if I only had twenty minutes to squeeze it in; and even after a taking a long afternoon nap, I could still sleep just fine at night. The only sleeping I couldn’t do well was sleeping-in. I have some kind of genetic mutation that makes me chipper and energetic in the morning, and I usually can’t wait to get out of bed and start my day.

A couple weeks ago, I lost my magic sleep powers. Night or day, I have trouble getting to sleep. Once I do get to sleep, I wake up frequently and have trouble getting back to sleep. In the morning, I’m groggy and lethargic, and it’s hard to drag myself out of bed (I guess now I know how normal people feel).

Over the years, I’ve offered my yoga students techniques to help with sleep with this proviso: knowing the techniques isn’t enough, you actually have to use them. It’s hard to let go of addictive behaviors like snacking right up until bedtime, reading the news on a smartphone in bed, and laying awake mentally rehashing the events of the day or making plans for the days to come. When the mind is go-go-go, it’s not immediately gratifying to stop-stop-stop—but it pays off to have the discipline to do so. I had to take my own advice. I pored over my pregnancy resources for tips on getting a better sleep, and committed to actually do them. I’m still developing new habits, but when I do several (or all) of the following in the same evening I get a much better sleep:

  • Bedroom blackout. No more flimsy curtains, lighted clocks, or even indicator lights on chargers. The other night, I got up in the middle of the night and turned Richard’s phone face-down to block the tiny flashing notification light.
  • The bed is associated only with sleeping. Richard and I are on the same page about this, so we’ve never had a TV in the bedroom; however, I am trying to kick my persistent habit of using my smart phone in bed. Also, I’ve been doing Hypnobabies for several weeks, and was listening to many of my self-hypnosis tracks in bed. Although the tracks are relaxing, my mindset was to try to stay awake for them, which isn’t the right association for bed. I now find doing my self-hypnosis session on the couch, then heading to bed helps set me up for a good night’s sleep.
  • Turn off electronics well before bedtime. The blue light from TV, computer, and phone screens tells the brain to stay awake. Richard swears by apps that block the blue light from his screen in the evening so his computer display looks like it’s gone through a sepia filter. I prefer to turn everything off before bed to distance myself from stimulation and information overload, and spend the hour before bed doing something relaxing instead (see some suggestions below). I became especially committed to this after watching Breaking Bad one night before bed (I know, I’m late to the bandwagon) and dreaming that my baby was born and quickly grew up to be Jane. Keeping my smartphone off before bed is my biggest challenge.
  • Do exercises and stretches that balance out the body (but avoid anything that raises the heart rate as this can prevent sleep). Muscle tension is one of the things I’m most aware of when I can’t get to sleep. Before bed, doing a few exercises, stretches, and massage techniques with a foam roller or pinky balls makes a world of difference. I’ve learned that if I’m laying in bed and can’t get comfortable, getting up for five minutes to address the area of discomfort with some exercises works much better than tossing and turning for hours. If you’re unsure of how to address discomfort in your body, it is definitely worth it to see someone who specializes in movement to help you out. If you live in the Bay Area, feel free to contact me about a private session.
  • Avoid eating a ton right before bed. During pregnancy, the digestive system becomes more and more compressed as the baby grows, so processing a bunch of food can be uncomfortable and disrupt sleep. Instead, stick to a small snack. I read somewhere that turkey is a good pre-bedtime snack because it contains tryptophan, a sleep enhancer. I tried it one night in conjunction with many of the other techniques listed here and got a good sleep, so it may have helped (unfortunately the turkey breast I cooked was so dry I couldn’t bear to choke down the leftovers on subsequent nights—cooking advice welcome).
  • Do down-regulating activities to wind down for bed:
    • Warm bath
    • Meditation or self-hypnosis
    • Yoga nidra or restorative yoga (practice with a teacher who can help you modify for pregnancy)
    • Drink herbal tea, hot water with lemon, or warm milk and honey
    • Read a book (and not a suspenseful one that will hook you into reading all night). Reading about cervical dilation and effacement put me right to sleep one night.
    • Listen to relaxing music. I chose classical string quartet music.
    • Breathing exercise
      • Sighing breaths
      • Abdominal breathing: Inhale for four counts, exhale for eight
      • Anuloma viloma (when you’re pregnant extended breath-holding is contraindicated, so practice a four-count hold at most).
  • Use a ton of pillows to support a comfortable position. I’ve always slept with a pillow between my knees when I’m lying on my side, and I recently added a pillow between my arms to keep my shoulders neutral. Some pregnant women I’ve talked to swear by using a giant C-shaped body pillow and I’m seriously considering getting one.
    Update: I got the C-shaped body pillow, and I love it! I’ve been getting a better sleep since I started using it. The shape is nothing I couldn’t make with a ton of pillows, but the support stays put instead of shifting around as I sleep. Also, the pillow can be used facing either direction (and it’s not bad for lying on my back either), so I don’t have to adjust my set-up when I change positions at night. Side benefit: since it doesn’t take up as much space as a stack of normal pillows, it’s nicer for sleeping partners—Richard and I can even semi-cuddle while I’m using it!

The insomnia did result in one cherished experience. Since my placenta is in the front, I don’t feel much movement from the baby. On rare occasions, she gets into a position where I can clearly feel her little kicks, and I relish those moments. One morning this week around 4 a.m., I woke up to some flutters and pops in the left side of my by belly. Instead of stressing about getting back to sleep, I lay happily awake for a couple hours enjoying the connection with my baby.

6 Weeks Pregnant: Secrets

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July 27 – August 7: 6 Weeks 0 Days – 6 Weeks 6 Days.

I was already feeling guilty that I’d told the woman at the baby clothing store I was pregnant before I told Richard, but that was just the beginning of a long-standing trend. We would be visiting my family in Canada soon and seeing Richard’s dad in Northern California after that, so we agreed to wait until at least after we told our families in person to announce our pregnancy to the rest of the world. Of the friends I saw in person before we officially announced, it would be quicker to list who I didn’t tell than who I did tell. I can only think of two occasions that I mustered up the willpower to keep the secret. The only way I could resist telling people was to avoid seeing them face-to-face. Richard was annoyed with me because every day I would come home with stories about other people I’d told (my best friend from home, an acquaintance I met for tea, the woman down the hall I barely know), while he’d continued to keep the burning secret.

I hated keeping my pregnancy under wraps. Obviously everyone has different strategies and different coping mechanisms, but here are some reasons I may not even try to keep it a secret next time ’round:

  • Guilt factor. There are already enough guilt-triggers during pregnancy. I’m supposed to eat leafy greens, but after I choke down one or two broccoli florets and a brussels sprout, my nausea kicks in and the rest of the veggies get pushed to the edge of my plate. I’m not supposed to take hot baths, but baths relieve my nausea and help me relax before bed. The last thing I need is to feel guilty for sharing my joy and excitement with others.
  • Support if things go wrong. Women are told to keep their pregnancy a secret for the first trimester because the rate of miscarriage is higher during that time. What’s the underlying implication here? I can think of a couple possibilities, and I’m not really a fan them. Keep your pregnancy a secret because you might miscarry and…
    • Miscarriages are shameful/your fault/something to be embarrassed about. I don’t want any part in perpetuating this weird stigma around miscarriage. I’m grateful for the stories people have shared with me about miscarriage because they help me accept that miscarriages are a real possibility, that they can happen to anyone, that life goes on, and that you can always try again.
    • You don’t want to burden anyone with news of a miscarriage. If I miscarried, I would definitely reach out to people for support. I’ve never felt like I couldn’t handle hearing that someone miscarried. Just as I’m happy to have conversations with my friends about boyfriend woes, or a sick parent, or an injured back, I am more than happy to listen and support when the topic is miscarriage. Even if I don’t know the person well, I can give the generic response, “I’m so sorry to hear that. How are you doing?” I expect that most grown-ups can withstand the news of a miscarriage.
    • It would be too awkward/painful to make a pregnancy announcement and then have to make a miscarriage announcement. Given that I would reach out to friends for support if I miscarried, I think it would be less awkward to text someone, “I miscarried. Can we get coffee?” than “I know you didn’t know I was pregnant, but I was, and now I miscarried. Can we get coffee?” I can see being uncomfortable to post a miscarriage status on Facebook, so I might avoid announcing online immediately. But I can’t help but think that the discomfort arises from the latent stigma and guilt associated with the previous two points. People post about break-ups, family member deaths, and personal illness (Does “Sick and tired of being sick and tired” sound familiar) all the time on social media. One friend recently chronicled the week-long death of her cat, and got oodles of love and support. What makes miscarriage different?
  • Support if things go right: If you’re nauseated, fatigued, bloated, constipated, have hemorrhoids, and cry on a regular basis, things are going right. That doesn’t mean it’s easy. I appreciated and needed the friends who told me, “It get’s better in the second trimester!” and reminded me, “It’s totally worth the gift you get at the end.” Reaching out to broader networks sooner would have given me more access to mamas who have been there.
  • Ability to use affirming language: Much of what’s wrong with pregnancy and childbirth in the North America is that they are considered a health problems that require medical intervention. Rather than reinforcing that idea in myself, it is important to me that I treat pregnancy and childbirth as normal, healthy, safe physiological processes. Unfortunately, the most obvious excuse to explain away intrusive first trimester symptoms is, “I’m sick.” I said this a couple times, and it felt awful to cast my pregnancy as something I needed to “get better” from. There were a couple days the nausea hit me pretty hard and I wanted to reach out to find last-minute subs for my yoga classes, but I couldn’t bring myself to put “I’m sick” into writing.

Satya, which means truthfulness in Sanskrit, has been a front-runner for our baby’s middle name if we have a daughter. With how much I’ve disliked keeping my pregnancy a secret, it’s feeling more right than ever!

19 Weeks Pregnant: It’s a Girl!

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October 27 – November 2: 19 Weeks 0 Days – 19 Weeks 6 Days.

Throughout pregnancy, everyone’s asked if we’re going to find out if it’s a boy or a girl. Obviously this choice is individual, but here are some of the reasons I wanted to know:

  1. I admit it: I don’t love surprises. Pregnancy and childbirth have enough of them for me.
  2. I want to be able to name the baby now so to help me start building an attachment, a connection, and a sense of relationship.
  3. I didn’t have brothers and have very little experience with little boys. I felt like if I was going to have a boy, I’d want to read up and mentally prepare. Some people have told me boys and girls should be raised the same, but my intuition is that societal pressures are still so different for boys and girls that raising a child to be independent, empowered, and unencumbered by labels would require different techniques and messages for girl (e.g. “you’re not defined by how pretty you are”) than for a boy (e.g. “you’re not defined by how macho you are”). Maybe I’m wrong, but that’s all the more reason to start researching early!

We got the ultrasound this week, and found out that the baby is a girl! More importantly she’s got all the pieces she’s supposed to have and no extra eyes or tentacles.

It was really amazing to see the baby’s spine and heart, and to see the her move and kick! She kept putting her hands in front of her face, preventing the ultrasound technician from getting her final measurements. It seems like many mamas have such clear ultrasound pictures, but mine mostly look like nondescript blobs. Apparently the umbilical cord was getting included in the 3D rendering as if it was part of the baby’s body. Every now and then, the technician would capture a still frame of the baby and exclaim, “Oh! Look at how cute she is!” As I tilted my head in various directions to change perspective, I’d think, That’s a baby?? I don’t really see it… We did get one adorable picture though. You can tell this little one’s got a personality!

Week 19 Ultrasound

“Ollie ollie oxen free!”

I laughed out loud when my dad said this picture looked like Han Solo when he was cryogenically frozen:

Han Solo

Is it wrong that I’m already teasing my kid?

The baby was active and moving throughout the ultrasound (I don’t think she liked being squished and prodded), and I was surprised I wasn’t feeling her move more. The technician told me that my placenta is in the front, which means I wont feel the baby moving much until later in pregnancy. That was a little disappointing to hear. Feeling that one little kick last week made her feel real to me.

I found out the baby’s sex just in time for me to add some gender-specific flare to my hand-painted Halloween costume:

It's a girl!

Pregnant skeleton with a baby girl.

(I was inspired by shirts like this one on Etsy, but wanted a full body costume, and thought it would be fun to make it match closer to my own skeletal structure)

Before the ultrasound, so many people had predicted that the baby was a girl that I couldn’t help but have that expectation too. The day before the ultrasound I sat down and came up with a list of potential middle names for boys, just to get in the mindset for that possibility (Richard and I already had boys and girls first names picked out). It’s a good thing it turned out to be a girl, because Richard veto’d every single one of these!

They're not that bad, are they?

My list of potential middle names for a boy that got blanket veto’d by Richard.

However, I had to sign a form saying that I understand the ultrasound technicians can get the sex wrong, so you never know! In March, we may be announcing the birth of little Jasper Midnight-Courage Levasseur. Just kidding—neither Richard nor my mom would let me get away with that name.

5 Weeks Pregnant: Peeing on a Stick

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July 20 – July 26: 5 Weeks 0 Days – 5 Weeks 6 Days

The Test

The first day after I got back from Wanderlust, I took a pregnancy test while my husband was at work. Tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock Pregnant! I did a legitimate double take and felt my eyes bulge. Then I smiled and laughed. I put the pregnancy test back on the bathroom counter where it had matured and paced around the apartment with my hands on my belly and a flurry of thoughts running through my head: Yay, I’m pregnant! Oh my God, I’m pregnant… How did this happen so quickly? How far along am I? How should I tell Richard? When am I allowed to tell other people? My dog, Foxy, diligently followed at my heels as I aimlessly ambled back and forth down the hallway.

Pregnant!

“Pregnant”!

The Announcement

I finally decided I would go to a baby clothing store, get a shirt that said “big sister,” and cut leg holes in it so Foxy could wear it. The first thing Richard does when gets home is greet the dog at the door, so it would be the first thing he saw.

Foxy and I walked up to Noe Valley in San Francisco, which is a hotspot for babies and dogs. It didn’t take us long to find a baby clothing boutique with a big sister shirt. The woman helping me asked me what size I needed. “Ummm,” I stalled guiltily, “Well, it’s actually for my dog.” She looked at me like I was nuts. “Okay, here’s what’s going on,” I admitted, “I just found out I’m pregnant and I want to tell my husband in a creative way, so I’m looking for a big sister shirt for my dog.” She was giddy that I’d let her in on the plan and proceeded to look through every single one of their used tops for me to try to find a cheaper used version of the shirt that I could justify cutting holes into. No luck. I almost bought the pricey brand new shirt, but I knew Richard would start obsessing about how we were going to pay for the baby’s college education as soon as he found out we were pregnant, so I decided to reformulate my plan.

When Richard came home Monday night, I had a couple homemade, hand-decorated cupcakes waiting for him with a sweet interactive picture book I found.

Daddies are for Catching Fireflies

Cupcakes and an interactive picture book I set out on the table to let Richard in on the joyous news

I was curled up on the couch reading when he got home, trying to hide my anticipation. When he saw the set up on the table, he asked, “What’s this? …Wait… What? Are you…” he met my smile, “Are you pregnant?”

“Yeah,” I admitted, sheepishly.

A little overwhelmed, he came and curled up beside me on the couch and we read “Daddies are For Catching Fireflies” together.

Once I got that positive test, my hint of nausea turned into overpowering nausea. I made the mistake of telling Richard that I suspected the nausea was at least partly psychosomatic, and he never let that go. Maybe it is just in my head, but I certainly don’t know how to turn it off!

The Appointment

It had been over eight weeks since my last period started. I didn’t think I was that far along, but I thought I’d better see—see—um, wait, who do you see when you’re pregnant? That was the first thing I had to figure out. Google told me to make an appointment with an OB/GYN. I found one that was close to our new house, had pretty good Yelp reviews, and happened to have an appointment available. In that moment, I was too overwhelmed to consider anything beyond those criteria for choosing someone to potentially deliver my baby. I just wanted someone with authority to tell me everything was going to be okay.

I didn’t have a full enough bladder to get a urine test at the beginning of the appointment to confirm my pregnancy. As such, the whole appointment was phrased in terms of “if you’re pregnant.” She told me that at my age, there was about a 15% rate of miscarriage. If we found a heart beat on the ultrasound, that risk would drop down to 3%. We didn’t find a heart beat on the ultrasound—it was too early. (Side note: If you’re going in for your first appointment, Google transvaginal ultrasound ahead of time to set your expectations. I did not even know this was a thing, and it caught me off guard). The doctor pointed to a tiny black dot on the screen and said, “If you’re pregnant, that’s the baby. If all goes well, we’ll see that spec grow over time.” Obviously the doctor needed to protect her liability, but the language of the appointment left me feeling detached.

After finally confirming I was actually pregnant via a urine test at the end of the appointment, she sent me home with some reading material. I read a small booklet about screening tests when I got home. All of the ones recommended for my age detected 50-90% of chromosomal abnormalities, and had the proviso “most women who test positive [for chromosomal abnormalities] give birth to healthy babies.” I couldn’t help but think that getting tested might not be worth the stress of getting a false positive. Richard and I would discuss more in the weeks to come. The other book was a manual on pregnancy and childbirth, and the longest chapter was about common discomforts of pregnancy. I got used to reading, “There are no safe medications to relieve X during pregnancy.” However, there were a ton of alternative suggestions for each discomfort, which turned out to be invaluable!

18 Weeks Pregnant: Pregnancy Firsts

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October 20 – October 26: 18 Weeks 0 Days – 18 Weeks 6 Days.

My eighteenth week of pregnancy was a week of firsts:

First Round Ligament Pain

Unknowingly at the time, Jane Austin‘s Prenatal Yoga Teacher Training was one of the best things I did to prepare for pregnancy. I took it years ago, but it permanently shifted my perception of pregnancy and birth from unknown and scary to natural and empowering. We read books like Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth and watched videos of real labors and births (which can be completely different from what we see on TV and in movies). We also came to understand the changes that occur in a pregnant woman’s body so we could form sequences of yoga poses that could help alleviate discomfort and prepare women for labor and birth. A piece of this training came back to me in the middle of the night this week.

I woke up uncomfortable (which is getting to be a usual occurrence), and as I rolled over and yelped as I felt a sharp, stabbing pain in my right lower abdomen. My first thought was, Oh my God, I have a hernia. My intestines definitely just burst through my abdominal wall. I worriedly palpated my abdomen, but didn’t feel any odd bulges. My second thought was, Wait, didn’t Jane Austin say something about pain in the ligaments that support the uterus? That’s one of the reasons pregnant women aren’t suppose to sit straight up… I reached for my phone, Googled “uterus ligament pain pregnancy,” and was displayed a list of websites about round ligament pain naming the exact symptoms I’d just experienced. Unless the pain persists, it’s relatively harmless.

I’m so grateful that tidbit of information from Jane’s training stuck, or I’d have been up all night worrying (and probably Googling much scarier things).

First Baby Kick!

While I was teaching yoga, I demoed supta baddha konasana (reclined butterfly pose). As my knees opened and my lower abdomen broadened, I felt a little pop below my belly button. It wasn’t painful, it felt like a little tiny fist without much strength behind it had socked me from the inside. It was pretty neat, and made the baby immediately seem more real. When I went to my appointment later in the week, the midwife heard a kick on the fetal heart rate monitor, so I’m pretty sure that what I felt while teaching yoga was indeed the baby. I haven’t felt much else since, but chances are the baby’s movements are such an unfamiliar sensations that I don’t recognize them yet.

First Group Prenatal Session

Saint Luke’s, the hospital I plan to give birth at, has the option of doing prenatal sessions individually or in a group of women with similar due dates. This week was my first group prenatal session, and I loved it! At the begin, we recorded our own weight and blood pressure, which I enjoyed as a subtle way to take ownership or my own health and body. Then, we each got a couple minutes of one-on-one time with a midwife off to the side to listen to our baby’s heartbeat and ask personal questions. The rest of the session was in a group setting, wherein we discussed the discomforts of pregnancy (we focus on a different topic every time). It was great to get the midwife’s professional opinions on information from articles and books I’d read and to discuss solutions with other women experiencing the similar changes. I’m looking forward to my next sessions!

First Week Fending for Myself

Richard has been reading The Birth Partner, and has been taking its advice to heart. Already, he’s been trying to support me in any way I need, which usually means making me snacks. That made it especially lonely when he was away on business the whole week. It wasn’t that hard to be alone, but it accented what a wonderful luxury it is to have a supportive partner who will cut up mangoes for me, rub cocoa butter on my belly, and voluntarily carry my purse and all the shopping bags for me when I’m tired. Needless to say, I glad to have him back and I’m trying not to use up all his goodwill before I really need it.

18 Weeks

Eighteen weeks pregnant. I’m wearing a maternity shirt, but I still don’t have much of a bump to fill it out.

(I love the shirt I’m wearing above because it’s got a peek-a-boob feature so it can double as a nursing top when the baby arrives. I’m much more willing to spend money on something that I can wear for more than just a few months! Here’s the link to the Etsy store I bought it from, if anyone is interested).